The Following Takes Place Between Taste and Nutrition

If there is one food I had been itching to try while in Japan, it would have to be Calorie Mate. Pete had previously shown me a crazy sketch on iFilm from Fuji TV’s One Night, one of Japan’s biggest live comedy shows, involving Carlos Bernard reprising his role of Tony Almeida and doing very bizarre things.

Well, as we had a look for more Japanese 24 videos, we came across a series of advertisements for Calorie Mate featuring Kiefer Sutherland as Jack Bauer on some anti-terrorist mission in Tokyo running around the subway, involved in high-speed chases and riding in helicopters. And in all this, he snacks on Calorie Mate, which appeared to be some kind of tasty energy snack.

Japan is currently in the grip of 24 fever. The fifth series is being released incrementally on DVD, so there are banners and posters in every DVD store (and it means I get to see the final episodes at last – I think I’ve already mentioned this), there’s a 24 magazine which comes with a couple of episodes of the first series every week or two, and then there’s big Calorie Mate ads, such as this one in Shijo underground.



Mmm…Situation Free…whatever that means. And I assume the rather camp Japanese gentleman next to him is from a TV ad I have yet to see. So I decide to go out and buy some Calorie Mate for myself. And, inspired by the excellent (and stomach-churning) Steve, Don’t Eat It, it’s time for the first edition of Steele, Don’t Eat It!

Now, we all know Jack Bauer never eats, sleeps, or makes toilet, so surely Calorie Mate must be some kind of wonder food, divine ambrosia or heaven-sent mana if it breaks the habit of a man who frequently saves the world on an empty stomach? The packaging doesn’t exactly fill me with confidence, being in an anonymous yellow box, heavy on (English) text. What’s more, there’s a problem of which flavour to choose. But when a particular foodstuff as such varied taste options as Chocolate, Cheese and ‘Freshness’, I start to worry about what the Calorie Mate ‘Block’ might entail, so I go for the safe option of Chocolate – they can’t screw up chocolate, right?

Reading the blurb on the box suggests it’s much like any energy bar:

“CALORIE MATE BLOCK is a nutritionally balanced source of the energy needed for daily activities. CALORIE MATE BLOCK is naturally suited for people on-the-go who need an easy source of energy and nutrition – at breakfast, work, sports, study, or any busy time.”

Fair enough, though the spiel and the classification of ‘Balanced nutrition food (solid type)’ doesn’t suggest that taste factors into the equation in any regard. The fact that it’s produced by Otsuka Pharmaceutical Co., Ltd. and not, say, Mr. Chef’s Yummy Scrummy Treats Kitchen, only adds to my trepidations. Ingredients include 40g of sugar per 80g serving, edible vegetable fats (better than inedible ones I believe), almond, nonfat milk and soybean protein. Oh, and chocolate and cocoa powder, which is reassuring (do the other flavours have cheese and ‘freshness’ powder then?).

Opening the box reveals two sachets with two fingers each. Two dirty brown stubby powdery fingers, like dried turds doing their best Bourbon biscuit impression. I decide the best way to taste it is to dress up like Jack Bauer on the billboard ad, so I put on my jacket, stick in an earphone and look angry, frustrated, concerned and desperate.



And then I take my first bite. Which coincidentally also turns out to be my last. Unlike Steve, Don’t Eat It, I’ll give you a picture of my immediate reaction (again using imageshack as it seems Blogger doesn't like me using pictures anymore). Suffice to say, I’d like to see Jack Bauer pull this face in the commercials...



It reminded me of the brownies Harry made years ago in food tech, when he forgot to add milk to the mixture. It was so dry, chalky and crumbly, like an old biscuit that had gone soft. And the yummy chocolate taste I had been expecting was conspicuous in its absence. I tried to finish one mouthful, but resorted to spitting it into my basin – the half-chewed mess would make good artificial dog mash for film and television. Jack Bauer is clearly a harder man than I for being able to stomach such a foul creation. Kudos, sir, kudos.

The bottom of the pack reads:

“Caution: To insure freshness, please eat as soon as possible after opening the package.”

Don’t make me laugh...Calorie Mate – you are no friend of mine.